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Fern's Documentation (PDF)


10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny...not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

Rules in a Mastiff's House

1. I am the KEEPER OF THIS HOUSE. Please don't enter except on the express invitation of my Master. I HATE VIOLENCE.

2. As RESIDENT PROTECTOR, I have suupreme and final authority at all times.

3. NO IMPERTINENT BEHAVIOR will be tolerated by adults, children are exempt.

4. DON'T CRITICIZE MY MOVEMENT, you may be old yourself someday. And, just because I'm a little sloppy and I snore, DON'T THINK I'M SLOW OR NOT ALERT.

5. You can check my teeth, tug on my ears, pull my tail and eat steak in front of me, but DON'T PLAY WITH MY KONG TOY AND DON'T TOUCH MY RAWHIDE BONE.

6. DON'T CRITICIZE MY WET MOUTH, it comes with this model. My Family keeps towels handy to wipe goobers and slingers, use them!

7. DON'T SMACK ME... What the Lion is to the Cat, I am to the Dog and nobody smacks a Lion. Anyway, I was born with a gentle spirit and I am only brave when I have to be. It isn't necessary to get physical with me, I listen very well.

8. DON'T PUSH ME... as the KING OF THE DOGDOM, I have a certain reputation to maintain and I'm a lot tougher than I look.


-Beowulf Mastiffs




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